Question! Do you ever struggle with fear? If you are human, you do. Fear is the second most powerful enemy we face in life. It can:

• fill you with fright
• emotionally overwhelm you
• attack you from several fronts at the same time
• rekindle old fears you thought you had worked through

Here is what you have to understand – fear is an emotion that when it takes control of your life, it will paralyze you. Your mind knows no fear! Your mind knows adventure, dreaming, and the freedom to soar to the highest aspects of living. Yet, when fear is stronger than desire, you will filter everything through the emotion of fear.

In my working with human behavior, I have become aware that from the day a person is born until the day they die, they will wrestle consistently with 6 Fears. Now, the interesting thing is there is no particular order. These 6 fears “just are” and arrange their place in your life depending on where you are in the situation you are facing. Also, at any given time one of the 6 Fears is the #1 challenge you are facing. When you can understand what the fear is and control its presence in your life, the other five diminish in their emotional ability to control you. If you don’t know your #1 fear, the other five will overwhelm you.

There are two things I want you to gather from this blog:

1.    What are these 6 Fears?

2.    What are the steps to understanding and controlling your fear?

First, What Are These 6 Fears?

FEAR #1: THE FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN

If I do what I know I should do, it might take me out of my safe zone and put me somewhere I can’t control.

Most people want to feel safe. This is why they create routines for their life. It makes things predictable and in that comfort zone, they feel safe. This routine is about sameness; it is about getting up and staying in familiar territory. For most, this is how they define stability.

This is what makes the Fear of the Unknown so frightening. It means you have to leave your comfort zone, your safe ground. The challenge here is most don’t have the self-trust to step into the unknown. Without a strong foundation of self-trust, taking a risk is too big a gamble.

FEAR #2: THE FEAR OF ABANDONMENT

If I do what I feel I should do, I might be left alone. I can’t be by myself.

How many people do you know who have stayed in an unhealthy relationship for the fear of not having anyone in their life? Sure they are not happy or feel loved or feel the relationship adds to their life, BUT there is someone there in their life. They exist in a pretend world and don’t deal with the reality that the other person is just filling space, not a place in their life. The Fear of Being All Alone makes this an acceptable existence.

FEAR #3: THE FEAR OF FAILURE

If I express what I am feeling, it could expose the fact I don’t know what I am doing. I don’t want to look like a failure.

For most, FAILURE has become one of those nasty words. It is like a permanent scar that never goes away. The challenge is that is the way “failure” has been taught. How many times has the statement been made “You don’t want to fail!” Or the statement, “Just fake it until you make it.” The idea of failing is a concept many can’t handle.

When one is confronted with the possibility of failing, they will either run away, find a reason why they shouldn’t be doing what they are doing or stop and start something else. They don’t understand that “failure” is simply a bridge that connects “success” and “defeat.” — Failure is simply an option that didn’t work. — It was a knockdown that you weren’t prepared for. That doesn’t make it a negative. In fact when you get back up, that is success! You fear failure because of your emotional programming.

FEAR #4: THE FEAR OF REJECTION

If I do what I feel I should do, people may not like me. I need to be liked.

There is a strong need inside each of us to feel liked, feel loved. When that need is not being fed, there is fear. You start wondering, “What is wrong with me?” or “I must not be a loveable person!” or “I must be a bad person.”

All of these emotional feelings are there because we don’t have a strong foundation of self-worth. Over the years I have found any person who doesn’t have a strong foundation of self-worth is a candidate for feeling rejected. This fear causes them to give up their individuality and become a puppet others can play with. In that they feel accepted, and as dangerous as that is, it is made ok.

FEAR# 5: THE FEAR OF LOSS

If I do what I feel I should do, it might cost me more than I am willing to pay.

With everything you want to do with your life, there is price tag. You will only go as far in life as the price tag is acceptable. When the price tag is viewed as too big a cost, you will shut down and walk away. That price tag can be mental, emotional, spiritual, financial or physical. Whatever it is – if the price tag is seen as too big, you will walk away.

FEAR #6: THE FEAR OF SUCCESS

If I do what I feel I should do, I might get results I am not sure what to do with.

If might sound strange to talk about success being a fear, but it is! Have you ever known someone who got real close to what they said they wanted and implemented behaviors that sabotaged the situation?  That’s the Fear of Success!

Have you ever known someone who tasted success and then, didn’t do the things to keep it going? It wasn’t they didn’t know what to do; they were just fearful of what might happen if the success continued to grow. That’s the Fear of Success!

Have you ever watched a talented woman put her life on hold because of the fear she felt about what would happen to her relationship IF she really became successful? It wasn’t that she didn’t want the success; she just saw the cost of the success being too great. That is the Fear of Success.

Do any of these 6 Fears sound familiar to you? If you really look at them, would any of them be a fear you struggle with? As I said earlier, from the day you are born to the day you die, you will struggle with these 6 Fears.

Now hear me say this – there is nothing wrong with fear as long as you own it and it doesn’t own you! Fear is, and that’s a fact. So, what do you need to do to control your fear?

Here are 4 Keys To Controlling Your Fear.

Key #1: Face The Fact The Fear Exist

That is the starting point. For anything in life to improve it has to begin with “face what is.” This is where you admit the challenge you are facing. This is more than just admitting you have fear; it is understanding the fact the fear exist and has an emotional grip on your life. Denial doesn’t diminish the fear; in fact it strengthens its grip on your life.

So, start with Facing The Fact The Fear Exist!

Step #2: Examine and Learn Where The Fear Comes From

All the fear you face today comes from your yesterday. There is no fear in today! Why? Because today is just now being created. Your fear comes from a situation in your yesterday that opened the emotion, strengthened it with behavior and was never faced, SO it grew in its emotional size.

Fear is an emotion we attached to situations! The situation may not be the same one that originally created the fear, but something about the situation triggers an emotional surge back to that event. Then, all the emotions that were present then, race forward and connect to the new situation.

Step #3: Address The Situation That Originally Created The Fear

When the emotion of fear takes control, it redefines the landscape. You rewrite the event based on your fear, not necessarily the facts. When this happens, your understanding of the event now has a different hold on your life. You have to go back to the situation, calm yourself down and revisit what happened.

Step #4: Rewrite The Script From A Lesson Viewpoint

This is the turning point! This is where the fear can be repositioned as a positive part of your life. Within every situation your life has been through or been handed, there is a lesson that can turn it from a negative emotionally draining situation to a positive life altering experience where you are better because you have been through it. Anything that brings a lesson to your life becomes a positive part of your journey. When you rewrite the script, you repave the emotional highway with insights you can implement into having a better life.

FEAR IS A NATURAL PART OF LIFE, BUT IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE A NEGATIVE THAT HOLDS YOU A HOSTAGE IN YOUR OWN SKIN!

I asked the agent at the USAirway counter, “Why?” His response was, “It is a new GOVERNMENT rule in response to the most recent attempt to blow up the Northwest flight.”

My mind thought, “That didn’t have anything to do with luggage on wheels. He had a bomb hidden in his underwear!”

I get into customs and ask the Custom Officer, “What’s the deal with having to check my computer bag because it is on wheels?”

His response was, “It is a new rule instituted by the AIRLINES.”

Now, I’m thinking, “Someone doesn’t know what is going on here!”

I take my computer out of my bag, check it through and proceed through the x-ray part of security. Once inside there is another line where they go through anything you have. Now, I have just taken off everything and passed it through the x-ray machine. I wait in the line, get to this little man who tells me to take everything out of my pockets, which I do and THEN he tells me to put my hands down the inside front of my pants, then put them in my pockets. I look at him and I guess he could see the surprise on my face. So, he repeats the request.

Folks, I don’t put my hands down the inside front of my pants in private and sure don’t want to do it in public, BUT what are you going to do? If you don’t do it, you don’t get on the plane.

I am amazed how one person can cause the rest of the world to react. I am all for security and safety, but some of this doesn’t make sense. It’s like a few years ago when they took the metal knives off the airplanes, but left the medal forks! I thought, “Hey, I can do as much damage with this metal fork as I could with that knife.”

Know what? Travel used to be fun, but now it has become work!

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Here is what I resent! I don’t mind paying taxes. I know it is an investment in the freedoms I have as an American, BUT when those who have been charged with being responsible with the taxes I pay are irresponsible with the way they spend it, it bothers me.

If I mis-managed money the way Washington does, I would be out of business. I don’t have a printing press where I can just print it, as I need it. Hey, neither do they, but they can just reach out to those who own the press and say “I need another billion dollars” and presto it is there.

I thought we were suppose to have checks and balances in place that would keep these people from being irresponsible, but I guess when you don’t have to be responsible, you can be irresponsible.

For years I have taught great leaders first and foremost have the skill of listening! Some how that has not been taught to many that call themselves a “leader.” Great leaders listen to those who elected them to the role of leadership. Dictators say they listen and do whatever they want.

I have always believed that Leadership is the process of moving a group of people in a direction that is genuinely in their long term best interest. To me that means you listen to what the people are saying, examine their smarts and emotions and then, make the decision that brings them the Best Life Possible.

Maybe, just maybe, politics and fear of party reprisal have become more important than listening to the voice of the people.

So, what do you think?

The most challenging part of my time with these people is the first four or five months when I am having to help them understand the meaning of and the importance to PACE.

This is one of the most misunderstood aspects of personal improvement. The pace I am talking about is not physical movement, but mental and emotional control. What many don’t understand is either your mind or your emotions are controlling each day of your life. If your mind is controlling, you have the clarity to see “what is,” design a process for the day and move forward with a sense of achievement. If your emotions are in control, you find yourself wrestling with the events of the day, frustrated by what is happening and ending your day feeling you have accomplished very little.

So, why is PACE such a challenge for intelligent, driven people to grasp? Four challenges:

1. Procrastination creates the accumulation of clutter. Hey anything you
Start, but don’t finish, results in emotional residue that affects your creativeness. Creative people have a real challenge slowing down to complete what they start; their mind is always racing to get to the next great victory.
2. A need to achieve and prove their self is constantly pushing them. The majority of driven people are driven by their need to prove self. Nothing is ever good enough; everything must be done with perfection; they are not good at delegating, because they don’t trust most of the people in their life, and besides most people won’t do it to their standards.
3. Communication is not their strong suit. Creative, driven people, are better at having internal conversations than they are having the patience to listen to people ramble. These driven people are good at thinking on their feet and once they have processed the situation, they are ready to move on. To sit and continue a conversation they have completed is not their strong suit. They can also have multi conversations running in their head at one time and leave others wondering what they are talking about.
4. Emotions are all over the place. It is challenging for them to stay focused; they get bored very easily, withdraw, react and leave things unfinished. All this does is create more emotional clutter for them to deal with.

How do I slow them down?
1. Teach them the meaning of Persistent Consistency
2. Address their Emotional Reactive Behavior
3. Teach them the meaning of Consistent Persistency
4. Expand and Expound upon the scope of their dream

So What Do You Think?

Was flying from Ft. Myers to Atlanta and had this very interesting lady next to me. From the moment she sat down I could tell she wanted to talk. Realizing there was no stopping her, I just began to listen as she poured out her life story. For some reason the subject turned to personal honesty, and I asked her, “Do you always want everyone in your life to be honest with you?”

She leaned back in her seat, stared at me for a minute and said, “Are you crazy? No way! If everyone was honest, I would always have to tell the truth, and honey, that’s not always fun.”

In the counseling room honesty was always a big issue. I found in working with human behavior that most people want honesty as long as it is not honest! People would say they wanted it, BUT when it was handed them, most couldn’t handle it.

Improvement demands honesty! The most important aspect of honesty is Personal Honesty. Until you can get honest with yourself, you life will be a con job you keep doing on yourself. The challenge is you know what you are doing.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK? DO YOU ALWAYS WANT PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE TO BE TOTALLY HONEST WITH YOU?

I found it so challenging to watch as the front loaders were scraping up bodies like they were just pieces of trash and dumping them into the trucks waiting to take them to the mass grave that had been dug. The pictures made life so meaningless. I understand why they have to remove the bodies, but the manner in which they were doing it made me sick to my stomach.

What about the families of all those people who will never get to say “goodbye” to their loved ones? What about the mental and emotional turmoil of not knowing if one of those bodies is your mother, your father, your husband/wife, your child, your friend! With all the grief counseling I have done over the years, I would be hard pressed to know exactly what to say to these people.

Their life, as they have known it, will never be the same. Their world will be forever etched in those moments as the earthquake made its presence felt and without any warning destroyed life in so many different ways.

Here are some of the thoughts that went through me last night as I was lying in bed:

• But for the grace of God, that could have been my life. I need to be so thankful for each day of living I have and for each thing my life has. I need to look at my life and examine where I am thankless and wasteful and redesign those behaviors.

• We are so spoiled in this country; the poverty these people live in is overwhelming; yet, here we are, for the most part, fat and happy, each day throwing away enough food to feed the entire nation of Haiti. Most Americans don’t know what it is to go to bed hungry and live without the most basic aspects of life.

• Every young person should have to spend time in a third world country; I think it would make them more appreciative of what they have. When you don’t have to want, you don’t always appreciate what you have. That creates entitlement issues.

• I look at how quickly our country was to send help, and then remember how long it took us to help the people in New Orleans. We spent more time after Katrina trying to figure out whose role it was to help, than we did actually helping those in need. We let those people down and had our own New Orleans Tragedy that we really haven’t faced yet!

• It concerns me, that as a country, we are so quick to help the rest of the world and so slow to take care of the poverty that is within our own country. It bothers me we are fighting a war in the Middle East we will never win! Those people have been at war with each other since the beginning of time and as soon as we leave, they will go back to their warring way of life. The money we are spending there could be used to take care of the people within our own borders. We should not be taking care of the rest of the world, until we first take care of our own people. We are an uninvited guest in a part of the world that doesn’t respect what we have said we are there to do, but is being contradicted by the way we are going about doing it.

• We need to pay attention to what our behavior is doing to the ecology of the earth. Through greed, we have treated Mother Nature with disrespect, and I think she is sending us a message through disasters that SHE HAS HAD ENOUGH! You can’t upset the ecological system of the earth without there being consequences.

Tell you what! I have a renewed respect for life and all it gives me. I pray I never have to experience what the people of Haiti are experiencing and commit myself to strengthening my personal crusade of challenging people to not become complacent with the life they have.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?